Article by Dániel Turner
Some people ask the same question from others: why is it that I don’t care about the person who is nice to me and trying to give me everything and why am I desperately in love with someone who doesn’t seem to care for me? Well, there might be a few reasonable answers to this question, but it is not so simple to answer.
First of all, how does an emotionally unavailable person act? Mainly, they tend to keep their distance from others. From time to time, they may seem cold and rational, and they might even ignore or block someone who is trying to reach their true self. We need to understand that a person who is emotionally shut down is probably trying to protect themselves from pain.
In this article, we discuss why someone loves a person like that or why are they even attractive.
Loving someone who is not loving you back is a struggle. And yet, many of us keep trying and holding onto one goal: to touch that person’s soul. There is a paradox in this. While someone is trying to maintain their distance, the other person is eager to get closer. Being ignored or rejected is not pleasant! You may think: I am not good enough. This perception can cause the need to prove the contrary to yourself and to the other half – it is a fight of the ego. The challenge for conquering, the challenge for owning somebody.
However, this is not the only reason why someone is attracted to an unavailable person. Some people want to help others so much that they just can’t give up on them. These so-called saviours suffer great emotional difficulties when they see someone who needs help. Most of the time, they tend to forget that they cannot save everyone and that they should not try to save everyone.
Saviours feel the urge to help even those who do not ask for it. Another possibility includes their scenario to love an unavailable person due to their imaginary picture. A glimpse of the fragile part of an emotionally shut down person is enough, and saviours instantly feel the need to help the person get out of this state. They can feel so involved that the more the other half wants to escape the more they push their aid.
Someone of the same kind can also feel attracted. Emotionally unavailable people do have emotions but they just that do not want to show them to others or maybe they want to but can’t. In this situation, the inner suffering might be long-lasting for someone who cannot express their emotions as well as the other person.
The ambivalence and the sensation of insecurity grind many people who find themselves hopelessly loving. But why do we love someone like this? Probably, the most common answer is patterns. Our childhood patterns, habits and how our parents behaved with us have a great influence on our relationships. Low self-esteem, a stuck role and some types of personality easily fall into this hole.
Why is it harmful to be in this hole? The lack of feedback and ignorance from the other person keeps you insecure. Without any response, you need to evaluate the situation for yourself. Someone with a weaker self probably would come to the conclusion that they are not good enough. They start to doubt themselves. ‘What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he/she like me? Maybe I should change.’ This outcome and thinking pattern can be very destructive in the long term.
What can you do to get out of this deep hole of hopelessness? Firstly, it’s very important that you recognise the situation that you are in. The illusion of love can create strong misconceptions and images of the happenings and it is not easy to see clearly. Without true recognition, you cannot move forward. However, once you admit that you are not in the right position, you should also confirm that there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to others.
Sometimes, it is recommended to take a step back and revise your emotional needs and the progression of the relationship. What do I feel? What would I like to have in a relationship? How would I like my relationship with that person be? Answering these questions might help you to see if you really want to be with your admired one. If the relationship between the two of you is stuck and you see no development at all from the beginning, then probably it’s time to verify your needs.
After recognising that you are in a situation that is not in your favor, maybe the most important thing is to set up your boundaries. They help prevent new and new failures and the further possibilities that your loved one will hurt you. The last step is acceptance and moving on when necessary.
Letting go of something that is not working out is not always easy. However, always keep in mind that in the long run, it will help you more than staying in the hopeless chase. Eventually, you will look back on your previous experiences and be grateful for taking that one step to take care of yourself.
Learn more about the importance of boundaries in conscious relationships in our Tantra Method Practitioner course. Implement the principles of Tantra in your daily life to help your relationships thrive.