One of the greatest tricks the devil has ever performed was to create the belief that in love relationships some things are taken for granted. This fantasy that partners in a relationship have, can sometimes lead to a painful and traumatic breakup.
From the formal-logical aspect, if something is implied then it means that there is no need to emphasise it; and when something is not talked about, then it is as if it does not exist. Therefore, the things that are implied in a relationship are implied to us only and represent our ideal picture of that relationship. Only with the help of a discussion with the partner can a quality relationship be built.
However, when partners don’t want to talk about the things that are implied for them or about their expectations, the relationship starts to get complicated. It’s natural for partners to face disappointments in a relationship, for the ideal image of the partner to crumble, and for us to feel sad when we see that the relationship doesn’t look the way we hoped. It often happens that a person considers themselves more mature and emotionally stable in a relationship, they give themselves the right to assess and “find” mistakes in their partner. These mistakes are sometimes not shared with the partner, but the person rather keeps them deep inside. This way, the person who finds mistakes takes the position of the one who sees everything, who knows very well what is happening here and the one who tolerates and forgives by just staying in the relationship. However, the punishment for the partner’s mistakes is not missing: it can be in the form of unexpected impulsive reactions or there could be a complete absence of reaction. The most common methods of punishing a partner are infidelity, threats to break up, denial of sexual intercourse, and indifference to the partner’s worries, jealousy and criticism.
This type of functioning is also present in the parent-child relationship. By having invisible expectations, the parent sees that the child is wrong but lets them go hoping that the child will independently notice their mistakes and come to a resolution on their own. Instead of helping the child and (re)telling them immediately how to do something right, the parent will tolerate these actions to their limits and then, in frustration and disappointment that the child has failed, react aggressively.
The difference between a partner and a parent is that the partner takes the position of dominant by forgiving or keeping silent, while the parent has that role by nature. It often happens that a person in that silent tolerance forgives their partner for numerous mistakes without the other person having any idea that they are doing something wrong. Instead of the forgiving partner going through a painstaking process (recognising a mistake, keeping quiet, thinking in detail about why the partner is doing what they are doing, going through the “love me-don’t love me” phase, and finally bitterly forgiving), they should understand that the love relationship is not a vertical relationship. Instead of forgiving, it is more helpful to understand the need and behaviour of one another and talk about it. By sharing with a partner that something is wrong or that something is not right for you, the relationship between two adults becomes equal.
Understanding sheds light on a whole new way of thinking. “Don’t have too much of anything” and “Know yourself” are two messages that often stand out as specific examples of thinking among people. Although the first warns of moderation, it again indicates a circumvention of the other extreme, which is unidirectional. But it is precisely this unidirectional way of looking at people and life that is a tendency for most of us. By choosing this system of action, we limit our possibilities and potential to a minimum.
The question is how much do you know yourself at all?
Because if you haven’t mastered your own personality, how do you think you can function with someone else? A human is much more than flesh and bones. Our interior is a rich layer of emotions, instincts, desires, fantasies, dreams, conflicts, love, hate, and talents.
Excessive ability to see other people’s shortcomings, but lack of self-criticism, indicates inconsistency and lack of insight. Therefore, if you are prone to this mode of action, keep in mind that each action elicits a reaction and that the ratio of your “participation” in any process is also important in the outcome of the reaction. If you are not ready for change, then you are not ready to move on either. In doing so, we come to the conclusion that there is a great possibility of repeating the same mistakes in the future that will lead you to the same, or at least similar dissatisfaction.
Start your journey of introspection and learn more about quality relationships from a Tantra perspective in our Tantra Method Training.