Contrary to popular belief, the ego is a very sensitive part of our psyche. It is, essentially, who we believe ourselves to be. The ego is an integral part of all of us, which serves to protect us, but it is very important to learn how to control it. If you allow your ego to be free and out of control, it can cause issues in your life – especially in your love life, if you are looking for true love. Feelings like anger, fear and jealousy are products of the ego.
Choosing a partner largely depends on our ego, because we often choose the person who is willing to satisfy our ego. Most relationships start by role-playing. Both persons ‘act’ and pretend as much as they think the other person will like (i.e. their ego!). This acting is to some extent conscious, but it also carries within it a component of the subconscious. The infatuation lasts for a while, but it changes when we get to know the other person better and better. Over time, partners discard certain parts of their roles and approach the center of their ego. If both egos are complementary enough, the relationship can last for many years. People who are content with ego relationships, do not deepen the relationship by discovering their spiritual beings. In this way, infatuation turns into a kind of love, which over time grows into respect and pleasant coexistence. This scenario is not common and most of us believe that people who manage to have such a relationship are happy and have a fulfilled life.
The other case shares the initial phase with the previous one. Falling in love with the ego takes place in the same way as gradually rejecting roles. However, when masks fall, people may find that they are more or less incompatible. This means that one person’s ego does not meet the needs of the other person’s ego and vice versa. The issues can escalate into conflicts and even result in domestic violence. One part of such relationships will end when the partners separate, which causes additional trauma to the already wounded ego (due to the unfulfilled promises of the partners).
The signs to look for to keep the ego at bay:
- Self-absorption. If you find that you put yourself before your partner, obsess over your own needs, and typically fall into one-sided conversations, it’s likely that ego is running the show. The ego fix is about remembering the three Cs – care, cohabit and cooperate.
- The outer critic. Listing all the things that the other person is not doing well does not serve anyone. Quiet this persistent critic by listening to it, understanding that these thoughts come from a place of insecurity, and moving away from criticism to compassion.
- Top step of the podium. Not everything is a competition. The ego’s obsession with being king/queen of the hill can trample your relationship, so play nice and keep things light.
- Blaming. Pointing fingers is the way the ego claims that everyone is wrong… but you! Make an effort to understand a situation and explore all facets of it before pulling the trigger. There are no winners in the blame game.
What does true love look like? The answer is very simple: true love is UNLIMITED and UNCONDITIONAL. It means loving someone for who they really are. It means loving the real being, the essence, and not their role player. As long as we set certain rules that we must adhere to ourselves or another person, our being will not be able to appear in its full splendor and we will not be able to achieve true love with another being. Let’s just remember how many of these rules there are in our relationships – or are they just excuses for our own flaws and omissions?
Tantra can help you unlock the ancient wisdom of sensibility, sensuality and sexuality. Our Method is a contemporary approach which is applicable to daily life and modern relationships. Give it a try!